Painful Thoughts

There are times we stop and intentionally choose our thoughts.

But most of our thoughts enter our brains uninvited from our culture, the media we consume, the things people tell us, the stories we read…

Which is not always a problem: some of these thoughts are beneficial.

The problem is that once in our heads, these thoughts don’t feel so much like thoughts, they feel like facts.

This is important.

Because when we believe they are facts, it means we can’t challenge them.

—

A few years ago, I was in a difficult relationship.

He didn’t want to be with me,

But also didn’t want anyone else to be with me.

He wanted me to tell everyone we were together.

But behind closed doors he would tell me he was not my boyfriend and that I shouldn’t get attached.

When I would start to detach, he would turn on the charm,

And the cycle would repeat.

Eventually, we did break up and I heard from a friend that he said:

“Alana is not girlfriend material.”

Those words slithered into my brain and burrowed deep.

I totally internalized them.

And I believed them.

And because I believed them,

I ended up dating guys who did not want to be with me,

Who I wasn’t compatible with, 

Who when we were breaking up told me things like:

“Because you are not formidable.”

And then, with defeated victory I would add that to my brainbank:

“Yes, I knew it, I’m not girlfriend material.”

And I would strengthen that belief.

Eventually I just stopped trying at all.

All because of five words.

—

I’ve done a lot of work,

But dating still does bring up a lot of things for me,

But it’s different this time, because this time:

I have learned how to have my own back.

If I have difficult emotions, I know how to process them.

If I have difficult thoughts, I know how to recognize them as THOUGHTS and NOT FACTS.

This time: I love myself.

It doesn’t matter where you are on your journey: 

It doesn’t matter what you’ve done,

What anyone has said about you,

How you think about yourself:

YOU ARE WORTHY OF LOVE.

You may not feel it or believe it yet, but there is so much love inside you and it’s there for you to access and give yourself when you are ready.

If any of this resonates with you, I know what it’s like to feel self hatred, insecure and alone, and what I want to tell you is:

It doesn’t mean anything about who you are or your worth,

The only thing it shows,

Are the thoughts you currently believe.

Thoughts that you don’t have to believe.

I can show you how.

Email me at alana@alanaschramm.com to set up a consult.