Attractiveness and Worthiness
Hello World!
Have you heard the story of the Ugly Duckling?
It’s about a duckling that, as you can guess from the title, looked different than the rest of the ducklings. It felt alone and unaccepted because of the way it looked. When it grows up it turns out that the duckling was actually a beautiful swan all along, and it flies happily into the sky with the other beautiful swans.
This story resonated so much with me when I was younger. I wore big glasses. I was nerdy. I loved studying (still do!). I had frizzy messy hair. I was awkward.
Like a mantra, I told myself, “one day, I’ll grow up to be beautiful just like that swan. And then everything will be ok.”
I feel a little sad reflecting back on my younger self; I was so desperate to have my external world (my looks) define the state of my inner world (how I felt about myself).
And it makes sense - I was conditioned to believe that being beautiful would make me happy: the ads I saw or shows I watched also confirmed this. I genuinely, genuinely believed that if people thought I was beautiful that I would be happier, treated better, have a better life, enjoy things more, feel more accomplished,…
The problem is that that’s not how things work. Even if people do find you attractive, that doesn’t mean that you will. Even if they tell you a million times, your brain might find a way to deny it, “oh, they are just being nice”, or “they don’t really mean it”.
Because your brain is determined to perpetuate the belief system it has practiced for so long: that your physical appearance creates worthiness.
Here’s what has worked for me — learning how to not use beauty to create worthiness:
1. Start identifying the thoughts that equate beauty with worth. A recent example of mine: “oh no a pimple, people are going to think I’m gross.” <— “oh! There’s one! This is just a thought.”
2. Have compassion for yourself that you currently believe that thought: “It’s ok that I feel bad for having this thought. I’ve practiced believing it for so long, of course I’m going to believe it’s true now. But I am learning to recognize that it is just a thought and not a Fact.”
3. Intentionally look for things in yourself that are beautiful and have nothing to do with your appearance. Make a list and write it down everyday. Challenge yourself to find three new things (even if you don’t, still write down the same things from yesterday). Here’s mine from today:
- I love my energy.
- I can easily see other people’s qualities.
- I’m good at projecting my joy to others when I dance.
This is a practice. Practicing things is hard and tedious at first.. But you also get better at it, and then at some point you don’t even need to think about it anymore.
It doesn’t matter what you are, duckling, swan, or parrot! You are worthy because you are alive.
The feeling of unworthiness is caused by your belief systems. So too is the feeling of worthiness. I can help you identify your beliefs and reconstruct them.