Beating Yourself Up

Hello World,

Many of us consider ourselves kind people.

And yet, many of us would say that we can only be kind to others, but not ourselves.

It seems much easier to beat ourselves up.

And then worse, we are told:

“Just love yourself”

Or,

“Don’t be so hard on yourself”

Which, if you’re anything like me,

Just made me want to beat myself up… for beating myself up.

But what if beating yourself up was just a habit that you had and not some big scary internal flaw?

Here’s the thing about our brains: they want to be efficient.

So if there’s an opportunity to automatize something, they will take it.

Think about the first time you drove to a new workplace:

You probably were paying close attention to all the streets and signs.

Now you likely can do it while thinking about what to make for dinner, listening to music and sipping your latte.

You might have even had the experience of driving to a friend’s place and somehow found yourself driving towards work.

This is your brain on autopilot.

Beating ourselves up also happens on autopilot.

If we’ve done it a lot, then we become efficient at it.

This doesn’t mean anything is wrong with us.

If anything, it means we are doing it RIGHT:

It means we have a fully functioning human brain that’s good at being efficient.

This is the best news ever!

Because if it’s an internal flaw then maybe it’s unchangeable,

But if it’s a habit, then we can unlearn it.

Of course breaking habits takes time and effort.

Think about how if for some reason the route you took to work was closed and you had to figure out a new route - you would need to turn off the automatic response and start paying attention to the new directions intentionally and consciously.

But then you would learn it,

And then the new route would eventually be on autopilot again.

And it’s the same with beating yourself up.

Sometimes your brain will offer you difficult thoughts and your impulse will be to criticize yourself.

Can you notice it happening without judgement?

“Oh! Here’s me beating myself up, right on cue”

And can you decide on purpose how you want to respond instead?

Learning how to have compassion for yourself is a key component of the coaching work I do, and if this is something you struggle with, I love to show you how you can create an amazing relationship with yourself.