Shyness

Hello World!

And hello fellow shy friends.

For most of my life I have been extremely shy.

I thought that my shyness was just a trait I inherited that I couldn’t change, that some people were just confident and the rest of us just had to accept our lot in life.

In front of my friends I was my bubbly self, but in front of strangers I would get quiet and even if I was able to speak up I was extremely uncomfortable inside, and was always thinking about whether I was being weird or awkward.

As a kid, I would beg my mom to ask the clothing store clerk to get my size because I was too shy to do it myself.

As a teenager, I only ever spoke in groups by making quick quips no one needed to respond to so I could participate without interacting with people.

In my twenties, I would do group things, as long as alcohol was there to help me forget I was nervous.

I’ve come a long way since then but where I found I still really got shy was in front of guys I found attractive.

Every time I saw a cute guy walking towards me on the sidewalk, I would literally cross the road so I didn’t have to make eye contact with them, and then to make sure that it didn’t happen accidentally from across the street, I would pretend I was fascinated by a mailbox so I could turn my body in the opposite direction, haha. Sometimes I would even go around the block to avoid that situation.

What I’ve realized now is that it’s ok to feel that discomfort. I don’t actually want to be numb. I don’t want to be a feelingless robot. I want to feel a little excitement and fear when I meet someone I find attractive. What I don’t want is to spend extra time walking in random directions. So I have been practising allowing my fear rather than reacting to it and running away.

Here is what I’ve been doing:

• I see an attractive guy walking towards me.

• I notice the thoughts and feelings come up (“What if he thinks you like him - let’s run away!” —> nervousness).

• I notice that the urge to inspect the mailbox across the street.

• I intentionally decide I am going to stay on this side of the street, make eye contact and say hi.

• I notice the fear.

• I walk by and say hi.

• I notice I’m still alive.

• I shower myself with praise for showing myself I can do scary things.

It seems really simple, but these things that you keep doing show your brain that interacting with people will not harm you. And then, slowly you learn that you can talk to anyone, and this builds your confidence. Confidence comes from your belief in your ability to do things. Now, while my knowledge of local mailbox features has decreased, my ability to talk to anyone has increased.

What is a an area you want to build confidence, and what is one step you can take towards it today?

I would love to help you find the confidence to do whatever you wish you could do, whether it’s talk to cute strangers, give a presentation, or just love yourself.