When you try to calendar and it just doesn’t work
When I was younger I was obsessed with stilettos,
Beautiful, fancy, pretty, painful stilettos.
They always hurt so much,
But I somehow always managed to convince myself
That they weren’t that bad,
Or that I would get used to them,
Or that it was worth it because of how they would make me look,
Or that I actually wanted to wear them.
(I actually remember instances of getting drunk specifically so I didn’t have to feel my feet.)
I so badly wanted them to work out.
And they sort of did. I mean, I could put them on. I could walk.
It’s just that I was so uncomfortable and I couldn’t really be present to where I was because of that.
And so I kept them, and kept lying to myself.
Kept trying.
And kept preventing myself from finding something that fit me better.
When I look back, I can see that I’ve done that with so many things:
With clothes that didn’t really fit,
With boyfriends that weren’t for me,
With calendars that didn’t take into account my humanity.
The steps:
1. Idealize a pretty pair of shoes/clothes/guy/calendar
2. Try really hard to make it work for me,
3. Notice it’s not working,
4. Make the fact that it’s not working mean something about me (I’m not feminine/thin/cool/disciplined enough)
5. Beat myself up for that instead of finding something else that does work.
Here’s the thing:
Sometimes some things just aren’t for us.
Some calendars may look pretty but if they are not working then what’s the point?
Maybe you’re not meant to wake up at 4am.
Maybe you’re not meant to work 7 hours straight with no breaks.
It doesn’t mean anything is wrong with you.
It just means this way is not for you.
So stop pushing,
And find the thing that fits,
So that instead of hurting yourself, you can get on with enjoying your amazing life.
Because you're so worth it, beautiful.
Alana
Ps: If your ideal calendar is feeling like Cinderella's pretty glass shoe, and trying to fit yourself in it is making you feel like an evil stepsister, it's not working. That's not a sign of failure, just a data point informing you there's something better out there for you. Work with me and I'll show you how to create the cute sneaker version instead, that feels amazing, and actually helps you live the kind of life you want to live.